Friday, November 15, 2013

Mel's Dirty Thirty

For the next five days, 7 girls and I are headed to Turks and Caicos to soak up the rays and celebrate the fabulous birth of Melanie Beth Heyman as she turns the dirty thirty. Work has been bananas these last few months and I can't think of a no better way than to relax, laugh, and make some great memories with all of these girls, including my best friend. You are my rock, my soul sister, the best neighbor, amazing listener, and always give the best advice. Happy Birthday, love you!!!

In honor of celebrating 30 years, check out the best article ever to embrace the new decade. It looks likes being 30 isn't so bad after all, right?

Olivia Wilde Tells Us Her Dos and Don'ts of Turning 30

DON'T freak out about all the brilliant people who accomplished more than you by 30.
Yes, Einstein had discovered the theory of relativity by your age, and Emily BrontĂ« had written Wutheringfu*#ing Heights, but honestly, what you achieve is far less important than what kind of human being you are. What do you want people to say at your funeral: "Olivia may have cured HIV, but she ran over my cat and drove away laughing"? No, thanks! I'd rather be a good person who makes people happy than a dick who wins a Nobel by 32.

DO enjoy your sexual prime.
Hey oh! According to horny Professor Alfred Kinsey's 1953 page-turner Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, women really start heating up in their thirties, so let's just say it's finally your turn to act like an 18-year-old boy—except you'll be 1,000 times better at...everything.

DON'T cut your face.
I am so saddened and grossed out by young women who look like creepy, old aliens because of their new Barbie noses and lips. Is that a smile or a grimace? Did you melt hot wax on your face, or is that your skin? A better approach: Take care of yourself now that you're old enough to know how. Drink water, sleep eight hours (I wish), and don't go within 400 feet of a tanning booth or I'll slap you. Hard.

DO travel.
This is possibly the last time until retirement that you won't be considered a bad person for booking a last-minute ticket to Morocco with friends just because you damn well feel like it. You're old enough to know where not to go (CancĂșn) but young enough to feel guilt-free being entirely unreachable.

DON'T propose to the next guy you meet just because you worry he'll be your last chance at lifelong companionship.
Sure, you've attended more bridal showers than yoga classes in the past year, but that doesn't mean you're destined to be a craggy spinster, searching for roommates on Craigslist at 50. The danger with "husband hunting" is you start to see every date as a job interview ("He does seem to be homosexual, but that might be good for fatherhood!"); it clouds your ability to get to know someone.

DON'T feel pressured to pop out kids.
I love kids with a passion I usually reserve for hot cheese, miniature chairs, and Prince concerts, but I feel no stress to reproduce simply because of a fear of withering eggs. Wait for the right partner, and make sure you're where you want to be in life before picking neighborhoods based on school districts. This is not to suggest you should live irresponsibly for the next 10 years, then expect to get knocked up when your chosen dude finally sneezes inside you. But you'll never find the right baby-maker or enjoy baby-making if you're doing it out of anxiety. Relax, be good to your body, and when the time is right, get busy.

DO reap the benefits of your accumulated wisdom.
You're 30: You know stuff now. Your twenties were for "ducking up," as my auto-correct would say, and learning from those mistakes. (For instance, never again will I convince myself that sleep is for sissies and go straight from a party to the airport. You will not "sleep on the plane"; you'll vomit in the security line. Go to bed.) Now you get to live with that knowledge under your belt. Also, make it a nice belt. You're 30. Stop dressing like a hobo.

DO learn a new skill.
You've already lived longer than most women in the thirteenth century, so why not look at your thirtieth as a rebirth? I started stand-up paddleboarding at 29 and consider it my baby step toward becoming a badass 30-something semipro surf goddess (as long as the sharks go vegan).

And DON'T be bogged down by your past.
Saturn has now orbited the sun once since you've been alive; make this next go-round whatever you want it to be. Consider your baggage (bad boyfriends, job setbacks, body issues) lost by the airline of life, leaving you empty-handed at your new destination with only one choice: Go shopping.
That's it. Now go—be awesome.

1 comment:

  1. I love everything about this post...especially the vacation! Have fun ladies :)